Hello

I haven't blogged for eons and I was just reading some of my more recent posts and I think it shows - the lack of material. Somehow that feels like its directly proportional to the decreased or lack of quality of life. Like, if I've got nothing solid to write about, nothing solid is happening.

uerrgh.

Actually there are things I could feel strongly enough to write about; but they're so private so I don't. So instead, let me try and be vague whilst sharing my feelings and hope I retain some of the mystery. heh.

I'm looking forward to Friday. I need to be convinced that what is going on is real and at this point of time, I'm really not convinced. Something tells me Friday is not gonna happen. Ad honestly I don't know what I'm going to do if that's the case. Well, at least it's just one more day of waiting.

I'm so pissed with the gall of this one particular peson, but I guess it shows me I made the right decision. I'm a bit outraged, not angry so much, and maybe even amused. But I guess, a bit relieved too, cos my calculations were right.

Ok now, I've got to go work on this stupid ass assignment that I KNOW I'm gonna fail. I just wanna get it out of my system. Blah.

Toodles.

When Harry met Sally

I just watched the movie. Again. And I was moved to tears. Again. No surprises there. I mean I guess it's a typical love story-ish feel-good flick but it's like THE love story. I mean I was totally won over (and I'm sure 56,8889 other women also were) when the fella tells her all these itsy things about her he loves - the way she takes a really long time to order her food, the way her nose crinkles up when she looks at him a certain way, how she smells and so on. I know a billion guys do that...but when I heard him say it, the water-works began and steadily increased in intensity when he said that the moment you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with a certain someone, after that, you cannot wait for the rest of your life to begin.

I want to be loved like that.

Now, it's time for sleepless in seattle. :)

First thoughts

Girl: What did you think of, when you first saw me?

Guy: I thought you looked like Christmas morning.

VERSUS

Girl: What did you think of, when you first saw me?

Guy: I thought I needed to bring you home to bone you.

Hmmmm.

Hmmpfh.

I somehow only seem to blog only when I'm having a really bad day. Like, today.

Nothing really happened - well a few minor irritations. Nothing that I can't usually deal with. But TODAY. Goodness, my patience is really at a low.

The internet annoyed me, DBS irritated me through no fault of their own. I lashed out at my poor mum when she cracked some not-very-funny joke. My bloody workplace is pissing the hell out of me, okay la only the HQ. Andddd, ju7st now I snapped at the boyfriend. Although it was so quick, I bet he didn't quite get it. And to make things worse, I teach a new class tonight, of (i'm assuming) bratty 13 year olds. Sheesh.

Okay, don't feel like writing anymore.

Yuck

Today really really is NOT a good day. I'm agitated, and NOW I sorta know why. I think. Maybe, it's a good thing.

But anyhow, I really wantd to watch that Adrian Pang play, 'The Pillowman" and was thrilled that they were playing it again buttttttttttt noooo, I called Sistic to book and tickets are all out.

Again.

I want to bloody scream.

the human mind is a freak, oh maybe it's just me.

When I didn't know and was obsessing about the possibilities, although I only had my paranoia and nothing else to fuel me, I was going crazy.

Now that I know, somehow I have the presense of mind to stay sane.

What is wrong with me?

I really don't know if it's the hormones (every female's fave excuse) or if it's really me just being tired of it all.....but I'm really at the edge. I've had it up to my neck.

Oh maybe, like everyone so desperately wants...maybe I'm becoming me again.

Cheers.

White Lies

I've really been thinking this through, and I don't know how I really feel.

Are white lies bad??
What is a white lie anyway?
When does it begin to turn grey or maybe just plain black?
When is it a problem?

See, I really don't know. I think we, women, have the gift (or curse...?) of intuition, and so we find out most times when we're lied to. And also, we're the fairer sex, the fragile species, and men almost always want to save us damsels so end up divulging information themselves.

And then we know.

So I'm wondering, when is lying, okay?

I mean, I'm thinking it's okay to lie when :-

you say you're very busy doing xyz when you just want to sleep and you can't quite say so, or saying so makes you feel silly.....

you say you're in the midst of something important when actually you just want to get off the phone......

you say you earn $3k when it's actually $2.5k .... (heh.)

BUT,

is it still okay when you lie about where you've been, even though, maybe, just maybe, you weren't doing anything wrong...?

when you lie about your past, that might have seeped into your present just a wee bit....?

and you still lie when you're found out....?

I mean, it's not okay, is it?

Is it...? I don't know.

I just know this.....harmless or not, when you lie, and you're found out and you still lie, trust hits zero, and sometimes that becomes irreversible.

And it's such a pity.

because it's something even the sugared words, incessant hope and requisite snuggles won't cure.

Hmm.

I was thinking (very fondly....) of this tuna sandwich they sell at school which I lurve. It's one of the two things I eat at school. Heh. Anyway, one thing always happens when I make my order.

Me: Tuna sandwich please, no lettuce. (pronounced letters laaa)
Auntie: Girl ahhhhh, what letterrrrssss?
Me: No Auntie, no lettuce. (pronounced letters)
Auntie: Ahhhhh??? (looking wildly annoyed now)
Me: Oh ahh, no lett-ee-yuuuse Auntie.
Auntie: Say so laaa.

SIGH

And then in class, I was having this conversation with a classmate about credit card debts. And everytime I said debt (pronounced det)....he'd go, Ahhhh??? Oh de-bbbbb-t ahhh? And then, so I started going de-bbb-t also.

I mean I'm no shakespeare and I lapse into Singlish ever so often (and enjoy it especially when it irritates others, heh heh)....but I mean, it made me think.

Does something become right because the masses agree? I mean, my 'letters' and 'det' made me look like the uninformed freak more than anything else.

So, if the masses support it and say black is white, does it become so?

Of course, I'm consoled because everyone thought the world to be flat but it was proven otherwise yes??

But wait, the truth took years of study, and solid evidence in the midst of harsh ridicule before it was accepted.

The truth. Always so hard. Why??

Movie Mania

Juno

Knocked Up

P.S. I Love You

27 Dresses

After Sex

I dont't mean this to be a movie review, but I've been watching a few recently, and I've been dazzled by 2 above and I have to talk about it. 5 movies in a week is a big deal for me. I'm hardly a movie buff.

I was blown away by P.S. I Love You and After Sex. P.S. amazed me because of it's sheer romance - a love beyond the grave, or perhaps despite it. There were some themes in the movie that made me revisit feelings and thoughts forgotten or blocked. My tears were welled up in my eyes the whole time, but I refused to let them fall. I thought it would be a sort of defeat. I refuse to allow myself to relate to something so painful; and so beautiful.

Oh how silly I am.

But the idea of pure unadulterated love, faith and destiny, magic, the mystery of life, serendipity.....it was all in this movie. And I was struck hardest by the letter that she read by the fort - about their first meet.

I kept thinking - that's MY fairytale. That's how I want to fall in love - headfast, hard, suddenly and forever. It was a beautiful movie. Beautiful beyond belief but in an aching sorta way.

I L.O.V.E.

And then there was 'After Sex.' As the title suggests, it was about conversations couples have after....sex. It features 9 couples - lesbian, gay, old, young, teenage, married, illicit affairs.

And the type of conversations really make you think. Sex is very very intimate, and conversations after tend to come for a place deep down. (heh, I'm quite funny)....no seriously...and they're devoid of concrete walls and defenses.

I loved it for the idea of it. If you're into the detailed tiny quirks that make you ponder, you'll like this one.

The last worth mentioning I think is Juno. It just broke the mould of everything normal - was as 'real' as it gets and somehow made sense in the end. I liked it for it's intelligence that only hits after a while.

Okay, I'm done. Toodles.

Post-Valentine's.

Now that Feb 14th is over.......let me first admit that.....

it wasn't entirely annoying lookign at all the couples. Everytime, I saw a couple with a bouquet, or a couple holding hands, it put a smile on my face. Everyone looked so shy....and happy.

It was sorta sweet. It was. Especially watching them. And it was really cute how there were so many young couples around - stealing glances at each other, not knowing if they're doing the right thing.

Oh, what I'd give to go back to shy, innocent 15 year old days.

Happy Valentine's.

I've always been one to talk about how commercialised Valentine's is. And it is. It annoys me no end to go out on Feb 14th, only to see flowers, girls in dresses and kitten heels and guys in striped shirts and hair slicked back, walking around hand in hand.

It's like a virus. They're everywhere...!!

That said, I don't mean to be a cynic or errr spoiler. I mean, putting aside a day to celebrate love is awesome. Especially these days where we take everything for granted and it's a rush to get ahead - to be bigger, badder, better. Whatever your direction is.

Which is why, while I would cringe at an extravagant dinner with violins playing.....

I'd love some quiet time with the other half.

I think Valentine's is an excellent excuse to be cloyingly mushy and soppy cos you really actually do get away with it.

Time together is perfect, and okay fine, I'm not gonna say no to flowers or jewellery. (heh heh).

But you know what I want most for Valentine's??

Someone I love telling me my efforts are appreciated, the impact I have in their life, how much I mean to them, or just reflecting on our journey together, thus far.

Having this handwritten would be a dream so I could come back to it anytime I feel a little lost.

Little reminders are beautiful jolts, and I'd love that.

Honestly, I'd do without flowers forever, expensive gifts, extravagant dinners....just for that one letter, every year.

Call me crazy.

This year, the boyfriend's cooking. Haven't met him yet. That's for later.

On a different note, I spoke to Hid and Saf today after what we figured was 2 years. These girls were a constant part of my life and I cannot believe 2 years has passed with me not seeing them. Saf tells me she's married, I don't even know if I should believe that.

And we're meeting.....in March. That's something to look forward to....

Alrighty then, I'm off. Again, Happy Valentines.

Voices

It's hard ignoring the voices in my head screaming 'stupid stupid stupid' yet desperately trying to believe otherwise.

I get so mad, because I can be okay and I know it, but I keep on being placed on this never-ending road of hope, desperation and despair. The road leads nowhere.

The realisation of my strength, but being forced to hold on, makes me mad.

I want to believe and trust; but this makes me feel like taking a knife and getting creative.

Is the truth honestly so hard?

Hmmpfh. coughchickencough.

Healing

I'm rather amazed when I think of myself now. I think of the happenings in the past few months and especially the ones as of late, and I'm amazed because I think I'm actually beginning to see the sunshine after the rain.

Not completely, and I still lapse into mad depression sometimes which I know nothing and noone can lift me out of. However, I've somehow managed to look ahead. I don't know if I'm being crazy hopefull or blind by doing this but I really hope this feeling of a 'new and better beginning' lasts and holds true.

To a greater number of smiles. Cheeers.

I'm back

I don't know if anybody is going to realise I'm writing again. Well, I'm not gonna tell. Mainly because I don't know why I feel this urge to 'speak' again, when I know I can't truly say what I need to, on this platform.

I'm in this conflict - I want to scream out, yet I need to keep it all within. There is the recognition of a flesh eating monster within, and yet I can't let it out. Pain breeds more pain doesn't it?


As the pain deepens, the truth gets real-er and I keep hoping it'll maybe reach a high and burst and I'll be whole again. And then there's that weird way how pain becomes a sorta comfort itself.

The heavy head, the pounding heart, the tears that will not cease, and the frown that will not leave - at least, you know you're alive.

I tried to read my past posts. But I couldn't. The pounding got harder, turning it almost into an aching phsysical pain. The tears were threatening to fall, and I was tired of allowing that to happen. So I didn't.

Isn't that scary? I can't read me.

I'm no longer astounded at how stupid I can get, or how naive I am when I believe goodness and love will come triumphant at the end. It doesn't. I'm not even going to try to be any different because I know I don't know how.

A very good friend asked me very recently when and why I lost the fight in me, why I seem so meek, and why I have a never-say-die attitude when sometimes I really shouldn't. I should just stop trying. I should just, go. But no, of course I decide I'm stronger than that.

(try to be hero somemore la, Jesh)

I don't know.

I guess I try and tell myself and everyone near me that I'm an intelligent cynic who's only too wise for this world but secretly try desperately hard to live out a happily-ever-after.

And as it seems, it's burst right in my face.

Ha!

Okay, and so.....

I realised that people link me, and since it'll be a breeze knowing my new blog addie anyway, and not like I have a readership of 146175627526827......here goes:-

the addie is:


butterletters.wordpress.com

read. enjoy. go crazy.

Goodbye

here's telling u all that I haven't been writing because.... I have moved. I've jumped on yet another bandwagon, and shifted to wordpress. Decided to do this mainly because sudden;y, I'm just feeling Wordpress more, plus I get to make selected posts private, and that's right in line with everything I've been saying recently anyway. Allow me to digress, can I please say strawberry slush is the yummiest in the world? Kesh just walked over and fed me some and oh my god, it's yum yum yum. It's supposed to be for making margaritas, but we're spooning it right outta the container. Oh yum. Anyway as I was saying, I've moved, and I haven't decided if I'm gonna post the new link. Just thought I'd explain my houdini act here. Cheerio; hello yummy food.

Gambles.

Maybe the good thing is, well, now I know. It had been semi-agonising wondering what it was gonna be. Towards the end, I just wanted to know. I'm glad I had support and some diversions. Made the waiting process less teeth-clench worthy.

Anyhow, initially, I thought when I found out it was gonna be this, I was gonna be really really really crushed. And I guess, somewhere deep inside, I am. But, I think I've decided to look beyond this.....

Because.....

I remember what led to this, the quirky silly things I'd say to get him to do something for me, the endless hours of thinking how to, what to, the smiling for no reason, the love, the support, the plans, and so many other questions....

and I think....

if this was what we wanted, then crazy or not,

we must have something pretty darn amazing, no?

And it taught me a lesson; it made me step into another world, and there are so many things I respect and appreciate now.

At this point, I really wanna say this. Okay before that, I know the greater majority reading this will not know what I'm going on about, but I know the ones that matter do, and that's all I care about.

So to those who know, I love you. Madly. Each, for different reasons, but most, for wanting this as much if not more than I did.

and to you, K.A.R, I love you, and I promise I'll see you soon.

Important

What's really important? What really matters?

It's been drilled into us - you get a good education (read: degrees are nothing now, higher! upgrade!), you get a good job (1231134141 hours a week and 5 figure salaries only qualify), you get married (if you're female, preferably to very handsome, very respectful, very adoring, very funny, very religious male who has a good job, meaning he works 1231134141 hours a week and has a 5 figured salary so that you can marry him, and he can support you while he has a tete-a-tete with his ever-helpful secretary)

woah, that was one long sentence.

Anyway, you are catching my drift no?

I mean, when did this become the formula? What happened to doing what you dream of, even if it's a unconventional job or one that doesn't quite finance your ferrari?

What happened to cutting back on work hours so you can spend more time at home?

Why can't this dog-eat-dog world be dog-help-and-play-with-other-dog world?
What happened to making love and not war?

Why does it always have to be a competition - who's richer, who's better?

And with partners, while certain superficial traits are important, why isn't the emphasis on who he is and how he treats you?

We're all weird.

That said, it's become impossible. We've evolved into freaks. And these things are in us already, so I think there's no turning back.

We're not gonna have fairy tale endings, and I think looking at how unpersonalised, mechanical and self-centred we're becoming, I figure our ends are gonna be very lonely.

Bummer.

Girl and Woman.

A friend and I were talking about financial planning, insurance, investments, unit trusts, bonds and such, and I realised I'm almost clueless.

The little I know is from voices in the background when the banker brother has a conversation. So just now, I asked my mother to explain these to me, which she patiently did, but guess what?

I'm still clueless.

And I'm 23. That's a tad bit too old an age to still be a baby about things.

So, I start to panic.

I mean, there I was going on to Shank (friend with whom I was having conversation with) about how scary it is to live paycheck-to-paycheck, and here I am not exactly being equipped to be any different. I mean, sure I'm studying and all now, and school's supposed to be my top priority. (which currently it isn't. It falls nicely in between buying shoes and cheesecake at present)

And since I'm being a lazy caterpillar about school, I'm thinking maybe I should rethink my options and really really know what I want. I mean, I was just telling Shank (and he's a dear for patiently listening and adding his money's worth...) that I'm not sure if marketing is my thing, and that I don't feel motivated and challenged anymore.

And although, I should be the one getting into a frenzy, I wasn't. He, on the other hand, was telling me about how I have to really really think this time, and really cover all possibilities and really really know what I want before I take a decision. And considering he's known me for a really long time, I understand his worry. I am the most undecisive person, I know. The last time I worried someone like this was when I suddenly told Kaart, out of the blue, that I wanted to retake my A's and ditch the diploma.

But I didn't. So there.

However, I don't know what I'm gonna achieve with 2 diplomas and a degree to my name in a field I suddenly have very little interest in.

Is this my quarter-life crisis? if so, can it please be over in 15 minutes?

Sheesh, gotta grow up la, and it's a bloody chore. Back to the cheesecake now.

Bad Day

It isn't Monday but I'm certainly feeling the blues.

I had a horrid day. Horrid.

Well, let's see what happened -

1) I had a horribly ugly fight with someone special, and it's been cleared up since, and things are normal again. But you know, you will have that semi-shit feeling till you meet the person again. And then, everythings yum. Arrgh.

2) Speaking of which, I am super busy cos I have a major test (12 chapters and I havn't even started, kill me now) on Monday, 8th Oct and I feel like crap. And then to boost my already non existent morale, I find that I failed a test. For the bloody module which I got a high distinction for. God. And I know it was because I was a lazy fool. I know it was cos of that. I hate me.

3) And then, I feel something. And that is pissing me off, although I know it isn't easy to, well yeah. But still, I feel stripped of something, although I guess I don't really know. But yuck, this sucks. I am sad. And awfully cranky. I know very few people know what I'm going on about so erm, I'll stop.

4) I finish a part of my project and I'm not satisfied. I've evolved into a freak perfectionist and recently, I just feel like a sloth. What has happened to my drive; my responsibility dammit?

5) I feel really guilty about a friend, and I can't wait to set things right cos I love her.

6) I'm supposed to meet Mel today and he said I'd forget. I didn't but I'm so blue, I don't feel like doing anything. And I've tonnes of things to do, people to see tomorrow and I don't know how to handle that.

7) I'm wondering if I should just screw it all and go out Friday night? Hmm.

8) I'm worried.

9) Aiyah I just feel crap so goodbye.

the sound of silence can be very very loud

DEAFENING

Girls vs. Boys

I went to work yesterday. It had been a colleague's birthday on the 2nd. So I asked her how it went. She's 19 this year.

She scowled. (really she did, it was quite cute...) She told me it wasn't great. She said she spent it with family and a few girlfriends. That's all, she said. She said something about not having any guy to spend it with and that sucked.

Okay, I'm not gonna preach when I'm at the other side of the grass, but I clearly remember not ever feeling lousy about things when I didn't have a boyfriend, or special-somebody.
The girls were always all that and more.

And so, since she knows my birthday's coming up, she asks what my plans are. And truth be told, I have no clue. No real clue about what I want to do, so I tell her that. And then she tells me, it's not even an issue with me since I'll definitely be with my boyfriend. Okay, while that might be true, I told her I really really wanted to see my girlfriends too.

And then she stares at me like I was crazy and she goes - "On your birthday?? But you see them other times whattttt"

And I go - blink blink.
__________________________________________________

Are boyfriends substitutes for girlfriends? Is it so absurd that they both mean the world and chocolate fondue to you, although in different ways? Am I the crazy one for wanting to see the girls? I mean, duh duh duh I wanna see Kesh too, but I mean the girls gotta be there la.

I, for one, know I feel a little lost, if I don't see them, at leassssst, twice a month and that's already quite sad. That's just me, and if you think I'm mad, then whatever la. It's something I've grown to depend on. We've been doing this for a long time now, and we all know it's what keeps us sane.

The walks, the talks, coffee, dinner, ice cream (this one's newww), alcohol, sidewalk- falling is not something I'd ever give up or trade anything for.

Maybe it's me. I've seen and known these girls all my life. They aren't fair-weather friends.

They've known and been there through:-

- Psle results, Pri 4 mischief,
- Pri 3 Sacred Heart adventures, the Anjali Saga in Pri 5 (oh god that was a laugh).
- Lav has been part of my Pri 4 gangster legend. Okay la, one incident but we kicked ass like mad.
- Nisha has always been there through dance class and our playground and drain exploring with Shalu.

- Bad grades in secondary school,
- Thompson plaza-ing,
- Going to Fi's house endlessly,
- The boys, the girls (ha ha...gulp),
- SL (this has to be my longest kept secret),
- Family yuckyuckness,
- Surprise birthdays.

They've been there too when I couldn't adjust when I had to go to JC in South China. They were there through the problems at home. They were there when I was thinking about Poly, Law or re-taking my A's. They didn't just listen or pick up the phone when I called.

They never let me disappear.

They always knew what I needed. They'd call; they'd take me out. And when things were bleak, they always made me smile, and they always always always held me tight.

They've been there, all the time. They've been a part of all my major decisions.

I've grown up with them.

I love them, and that will never ever ever change.

Kisses till I'm 85, Girlfriends. ;)

Excerpts

I meant to post about letters I'd gotten through my life. There're lotsa funny ones - mainly from Kam, cos we used to fight like cats and dogs on paper. Then we gave up, and surrendered to sweet love. Ha. And then, there were the painstakingly hand-printed ones by Nisha. The kind that looks so precious, you fold and refold and safely put in a box. Then there were the ones by Kaart and Fi, with senseless humour that drives you wild. Yet somehow, they manage to inject words of support and love between the lines. There were also the ones from my mum. Heartwrenching sometimes, crazy funny others. The birthday cards were aplenty too, from acquaintences and friends seen no more, relatives who are no more. And of course, there are the notes of love.

Walking down memory lane sometimes can be very painful, and for me, because sometimes I tend to block certain things out, it can be one hell of a wakening. I leave you with a pile I found. These are all from one person; different letters. I couldn't get past this pile to leave you excerpts from the others. I was a little lost in thought, andddddd I have my darn project to get started on dammit.

- J


"I memorised all the lines for you, if you only knew, how that's so unlike me....."

"I spend countless hours pondering; thinking about just how I fit into the grand scheme of things"

"How expression might break past the chains that bind me to my fears. You aren't seperate from it all."

"I'm scared of who I am with you because you know just how to hold me and lull me to sleep."

"Because who I am with you is a direct result of who I am to you."

"Serendipity is not just a word."

"This year, New Years Eve is gonna be extra special.
One year since I saw a fragile angel sitting on the sidewalk."

"But all the shackles, the cliches and the arguments wear me thin."

"Stuck between a past I relive all too well and a future I'm all too cautious of."

"I can see you everyday and not once fail to notice how beautiful you are"

"By the time you read this, things will either have gone south or be blessed bliss with us"

"Perhaps we'll get better navigating the minefield"

"I mean this when I say, when the bomb goes off, I'm thankful our limbs will go flying off at the same time. You drive me crazy."

"Sitting here, looking at the pile of torn-up letters, remnants of hate and anger and something that still endures"

"When you came along, I was capable of looking past the bitterness, the pain I wore so proudly on my sleeve"

"It's not beyond me to love with all my heart. That, I learnt from you."

"One more run, one more try, I could keep on holding on. But that isn't gonna make things better"

"I wish I didn't make you cry so much, God, I really do. It scares me how much of a monster I feel like."

"We keep drawing these circles in sand and wiping the slate clean. But the memory remains."

"You'll find someone who loves you. Perhaps more than I do. But not like how I love you - with an ache in my heart that goes away everytime I hold you"

"Stop all this and come back home dammit. Oops"

Blog II

I get distracted so easily. My last post was supposed to be about why I started blogging and look at me, I went right off track, so here's attempt number 2.

Okay so I was talking about certain heartening comments I got, and about how that got me reminded about why I wanted to write. Yeah, change the world, blah and blah again, but also...

it was to reach out and make some sort, any sort of difference.

While I wish I could say I blog for so noble a reason, I don't. I started it because well, I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Everyone had blogs, dammit. And one afternoon, I was seriously bored.

I didn't think it would have lasted this long, or even that I would write religiously. I had started blogs before only to have them deleted within weeks.

I was never one to be too comfortable with everyone, stranger or not, peeking into my mind with a magnifying glass, and then adding their zero cents worth.

But now, this space is just for me. While I am mindful of certain things I say and there is a little censorship here and there, recently I've thrown almost all caution to the wind.

I say what I will, and deal with whatever comes later.

And you know what, this makes me happy. =)

Blog

I came home today and checked my mail, after what seemed like ages. I'd been away. And as I had pedicted, I got quite a few comments. Read previous post, and you'd figure why. And it all made me think.

While I got the expected angry responses, I got a larger number of heartening ones. And I realised, although the reason I started my blog in the first place, was not about garnering support or making me feel like I was not alone, or even about getting my message or any message out, I realised, that the fact that I'd reached to at least one other person, in some way, made me feel pretty darn good.

It made me remember how I used to be at 14, or 15 years old. I had amazing spunk and confidence. I had complete confidence in my abilities and intelligence almost to the point of arrogance. I had passion. I had a goal. I strongly believed there was a greater purpose for me.

I was going to be a writer. I was gonna be fabulous.

I wanted to reach out and tug at heartstrings. I wanted to reach to a specific audience - the book-flipping, coffee-sipping, get-high-on-wilde-or-walpole sort of radical thinkers wearing all black and no smiles on their faces. The intellectual crazies. The eccentric weirdos. I truly believed they were the brains of every society and I wanted to write. I wanted them to read me. I wanted them to know me. All of me. And then, together with them, I wanted to change political ideals, social errors, break societal backbones and then have a cuppa.

I was going to be revolutionary, and believe me, I was convinced that was my path.

And then, I grew up, and saw that the world was ugly. Sure. But I saw that, that ugliness was necessary. Black and white, Yin and Yang. The world had to be ugly, rough and raw in order to be beautiful. There is light only because there is darkness. And darkness is nothing by itself but the absense of light.

Oh Kon, I never thought I'd be repeating your words some day.

Moving on, I realised the magnitude, the importance of balance. I realised I couldn't sweep up my skirts, wave a wand and change Mankind. So, I decided to put down my pen, and take up business instead.

It's a decision that I think about everyday. Not about whether it's right or wrong, but the fact that I failed myself.

I changed my dream, my purpose, because at some point, I guess I'd stopped believing in me.

Lessons

Okay so, I was thinking, and I realise I'm quite different the person I used to be. This year has shaped me in ways I'd never have imagined. I know a lot of you, who know me personally, think I'm quite a softie, quite the fragile one. But hey, I think a year back, I was a hundred times worse.

I'm gonna tell you about one particular way I've changed, cos it's what struck me hardest.

There was a point of time, when something harsh was said to me by someone I cared about, I'd break. I'd be a tear-stricken nightmare. If there was a fight, and things were getting rude or harsh, I'd freeze and just cry. If the fight wasn't resolved (hanging up of phone, abrupt leaving etc...) I'd go crazy. I could never go to bed without a fight resolved. I'd be crying, and my heart would do horrid mistimed cartwheels. I'd be a wreck. I was a thread, threatening to snap.

And then, last year, I went through a stituation which was pretty much like the above, only,up the magnitude by a thousand. The pain was so profound, I thought I was gonna die; of a heartbreak. Today, when I think of it, I don't know why it hit me so bad. But it did. And you know when they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger? I believe it now. Cos it did. And in that process, it taught me a very important lesson.

It taught me not to beg;
it taught me not to cry till I was breathless,
it taught me to get myself into bed and go to sleep.
It taught me that tomorrow is another day, and probably a better day.
It also taught me that if it wasn't a better day, if the conflict wasn't resolved,
then you'd have certain other relevant answers already.

Self respect is so important. You should never allow yourself to be talked to a certain way, you should never allow your heart to go to a place that dark, and you should never let your pride and self-worth take a beating.

Nobody deserves that, and there's no doubt here when I say this.

I know, I for sure, don't.

Silly Goose.

My second post of the day, and I was inspired by a certain comment I got. I'm not publishing it because here:- my blog, my rules, my decisions.

But if you read me, let me tell you this, if you're who I think you are, Ms. Mother Teresa who forgives all (but maybe me, but hell, like I care), I don't care what you think. Did you get that?

I don't care what you think.

If you think I am the reason **laughs out loud**, let me tell you something.

They have, and they always have had, a choice.

It's a decision they make. It's a decision they make, to forget their girlfriends, to lie. Men aren't automatically seduced. They have that option to climb into bed with somebody. The women they cheat with are not faultless, I agree. But the men? Look, they're the ones with the responsibilities, with the girlfriends, with the committments and the promises. If they fuck up, then, read this right,

It's a choice they made.
So direct your anger and blatant stupidity that way please.

I've known men to refuse women. I've known a selected handful who stay true. So if you know a cheater, snap out of your perfectly crafted excuse (oh you seduced him, oh but he really loves me, oh whatever....) and realise that he made that choice to cheat.

On that note, let me ask you all a coupla questions. Girls, would you stay with the man who:

1) started cheating on you the day he got re-aquainted with an old flame?
2) begged the girl he was cheating with repeatedly not to leave?
3) who made out with other girl in your father's car? The car you allowed him to use?
4) talked to you, lied to you infront of the other girl?
5) told the other girl he loved her (regardless of whether he meant it or not) and said he wished things were different so he could be with her. (regardless again, of whether he meant it or not)
6) met the other girl repeatedly, daily almost for 2 months, while you thought he was asleep in bed. See, cheater had brains - rendezvous only after midnight.
7) got caught cheating once, saw you cry a river, and then went back to cheating barely a week after?
8) brought other girl to places you two have been to?
9) wasn't even discrete with his cheating? Everybody knew but you.
10) cried when the other girl wanted to leave? (oh poor baby...)
11) slept with other girl.
12) made other girl quite the fool too, cos he knew she didn't think it was the odd cheating session and that it was something true.( gf, you should feel a bit better at this point, no?)
13) Got his friends to lie and back him up?
14) Spent his birthday with other girl?
15) Lied about a trip so he could spend the day with other girl, despite the fact his friends and maybe you had birthday plans for him?
16) and oh I'm sure there's more.
17) I forgot an important one, would you forgive the man, who months after, still attached to Ms. Mother Teresa, is seen making out with yet another woman at a certain club?


So ladies, would you forgive this? Cos I know I wouldn't. I'd sharpen my knives.

I know a disclaimer or explanation of some sort would help here. I could be the diplomat but you know what, screw that, say what you want.

You'll only gonna amuse me with your insults or rants.

=)

Why Men Cheat

Okay, a dear friend of mine recently blogged about why men cheat. At this point, I sense the urgent need for a disclaimer so here goes:-

I, Rajesh Uma, swear that I, again, have nothing against Men. I realise and recognise that women can be cheaters too. I promise my feminist days ended long back, and that I am not trying to incur the wrath of any male, cheater or not. ;)

Okay now that that's outta the way, have a look at what inspired this post, certain excerpts from said dear friend's blog, and of course as usual my 2 cents worth (in blue) :-

- These reasons (for cheating) could be genetic, psychological or simply lack of interest.

(Does this mean we're all damned cos it's in our cells, our genetic makeup? Sheesh. Explains some, though...)

- Women usually try to overlook certain things and think that everything is normal and under control.

(This reeks of d-e-n-i-a-l. Darn. Our biggest flaw. We believe what we want to, we see only what pleases us.)

- You (the woman) need to know the circumstances that led him to cheat on you.

(This is important I think, to sometimes rectify the situation and in other cases to stop feeling guilty or responsible for the sorry %%$^%'s actions)

- Sometimes, it is a woman’s fault to give her man a chance to cheat on her. If your man wants you to change some of your ways and habits and you can’t comply, chances are he would start looking for those habits in someone else.

(You know, while I see the logic in this, I refuse to believe that a woman is ever responsible for her partner's infidelity. If she can't comply, then they should bloody reach a compromise of some sort together. If that's not possible, leave, but don't bloody tell her it's her fault you found yourself in someone else's bed dammit.)

Now, that that's done, let me tell you why I think men cheat, and oh, it's really very simple, trust me.

It's because they bloody can.

Most men are egotists by nature, when it comes to sexual exploits of any kind. While most women keep silent about how many men they've had, men are respected when they score. The more the merrier, apparently. Their masculinity is upped by how easy they get with the girls.

As Lil Kim once said,

If you look back in history,

it's a common double standard of society

The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score

While the girl can do the same, yet you call her a whore

I dont understand why it's OK,

The guy can get away with it

The girl gets named.

So, in a sense, society accepts infidelity from men. How often have we heard 'boys will be boys?' Hell, we've resigned ourselves to it. The non-cheating man raises more eyebrows of surprise compared to the cheating man.

Also, the women make it easier, because when they're caught, they believe it when the cheaters say they're sorry, and oh, it was nothing (this one's a favourite) and that they love you so so much. (where was that love when you were busy with another woman, loser?)

Women believe constantly in that fairytale of 'ever-after.' Even when it explodes in their faces, they still want to believe in it, and that's the downfall. Cos the real world don't have gingerbread men, houses made of sugar and lil boys with long noses, sister.

And so, 'happily-ever-after' so often, is a myth too.

I leave you with a passage from this book I'm currently reading. (for the 67th time...)

"I'm a man, Harry. And the reason I'm here is to plant my seed in as many places as I possibly can. That's why we're here. That's what men do."

"Bollocks. That's what boys do."

But later, as I watched him leaving with the show's cutest researcher, I thought to myself,

"Why shouldn't he plant his seed in as many places as possible? What would he be saving it for?"

"What was so great about the solitary little flowerpot that I was cultivating?"

- Harry & Marty, Man and Boy.

(so you see, even the non-cheating man gets convinced or tempted sometimes. Brace yourselves women, there might just be no cure)

Babies

You know, a big issue among most people in my generation who are sexually active would be the very important, life-altering question...

pregnant or not pregnant?

And while most of us nowadays seem to think ourselves bigger and smarter than birth control, I realise that more and more people are going without protection cos....

1) hello, where's the fun in non-spontaneity? (we'll see how much you like spontaneous with a baby bawling in the back seat.)

2) 7% GST - rising price of condoms. nuff said. Blame the government.

3) You can't stop, and lose the moment, can you?

**rolls eyes, x1000***

And so the next pertinent question when you've got a little something in that oven, would be....

abortion or no abortion?

I'll try and keep my opinions about abortions out of this post. However I think it's mighty sad when you have a choice, when the cause of your little predicament was probably just carelessness. You have that choice to keep that baby or not. You have the luxury of going either way; that luxury of choice.

At this age (my age, at least...) very few of us consider the couples who try and have that baby. That baby who just won't come. There's no choice there. There's no decision to keep or not. If it happens, whoopee, if not, well, I'm not even gonna try and explain that emotion.

Trying so hard to get pregnant, working at it constantly till you believe there's a baby, making plans for the wee tot, coming up with names, fighting about parenting methods, thinking about the position for the cot, wondering how to clean up to prepare for the baby's arrival, planning out finances, worrying about labour pain....

and then at month end, no baby.....

I think sometimes, it feels like the baby, although imaginary almost, has been taken away from you.

And that can give you an ache right down to your very core.

Edge

I'm constantly on edge now. I feel like a ticking timebomb. And sometimes, I feel like my heart will burst. Too many things are happening concurrently and it's not fair.

It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

How could he do what he did, when he'd lived through the exact same situation. How can he make it difficult? How is it he's not thinking about the most important thing in the world. God, I'm so worried. I'm hoping it all works out okay for them.

And then he, god. If I'd been angry and bitter before, I don't know what he's pushed me to now. Somehow this is his fault. Cos the genius idolises him stupidly. Oh maybe like Kam said, it's a vicious cycle, and I'm beginning to think there's no escape or rescue.

So what's my curse, because of my lineage?

And then, with all the drama around me, there has to be trash happening in my life too. Now. Because it's so necessary right?

I'm on edge all the time. I'm terrified. I fee fragile although I'm trying so hard to construct my walls again, to seem tough. I feel helpless, and that's the worst. I feel I can't do anything to save these situations and the outcome is too heartbreaking to think of.

The outcome of all the issues.

Pray for me. Please.

Too much.

The day came when:

After a full platter of smoked salmon (all for meeee), after finishing a tin of hot chocolate, after going through an entire tube of caramel syrup, after too-big-a-bowl of fishball noodles, after a whole tin of gratin, after a whole night of only TQM, after 12 months of trying to forget, after growing bills due to shopping trips, after nights away, after nights together, after needing and depending, after a full tub of paddle pop icecream :), after teaching endlessly, after a whole bottle of vanilla liquor, after too much cofee, after unwavering anger....

I realised that too much of anything is never any good.

Sleep

Today was another day, after well, months, that I couldn't get out of bed. No, it wasn't because I was tired or sleepy. I just didn't feel like I had any strength to feel the dread of another day. Sleep would have been morphine again, except, even sleep wouldn't come.

Previously, I'd thought time and time again, about difficult situations and if I had it in me to handle them. I've seen however how my friends have picked me up, comforted me and promised to be there, and were. They've brought back the bulk of my strength, and I'm sure they know how thankful I am.

But still, I know there are situations, specific situations, where I know all the support or comforting in the world won't help or heal: - when it comes to family, or when my judgement falters again.

And now, I'm actually afraid. There's this ticking in my heart that won't go. I know what would make it all better, but it can't be done. I try to think different, and understand but it's so difficult given what I've seen in my life. I promise, and I mean it, but it doesn't change anything.

What happens now?

I won't be scared. I won't fall. I wont. I won't. I won't.

Comments

Okay I have 10 mins to spare before I head off to teach again. I just had to reply to my commentors. Decided to reply as a blog post because, I wanted to make certain things clear.

Firstly, it's funny how you miss the entire point of my post and immediately zoom in on 'my reasons' and 'star-crossed.' (I don't mean that in a mean way, I really was amused.)

But well, to my first commentor who wants to hear both sides. Sorry, I can't indulge, for a few reasons. Firstly, what happened had a profound impact on my life (good and bad...) and I won't share details on a virtual faceless platform to someone I don't even know.

At this point, you may ask me what the difference is, I blog and bare my life anyway. You're right. Sure, I do. But I do exercise a certain sense or anonymity and ambiguity and I'd like to keep it that way. I tell you exactly what I want you to know, and to which extent. I'm pulling the strings here. Again, I don't mean this in a malicious way. I don't even know who you are. If you matter to me at all, chances are you'd know already. If you don't, and are just puzzled, then this is what's important - I've learnt so many things and I'm very happy in the place I am at now, and that's what matters. =)

Oh and you've mentioned you wanna hear both sides. If you've heard from him, I'm guessing the truth was a place far far away. Because that's what I've heard. But oh well. I barely care.

To my second commentor, my 'wellwisher', again, you've commented so many times, and still I don't know who you are. What do I mean by star crossed? =) In a word, it was, well, inopportuned. Go figure. However, in the end, I think I'm glad. Again, ambiguity is my word of the day. Ha.

Also, just cos you mentioned it, and yeah I know I've made it clear I'm no fan of hers, I wouldn't call her what you called her. Her actions were understandable; expected even. I guess I just didn't know how to handle that kind of emotion. I still think, in the whole situation, she was and still is, the biggest victim.

I'm expecting comments again. Ha. But till then, I'm out.

Updates.

I'm not gonna blog about my wednesday nights anymore because, well, they're almost the same week-in week-out, and also because I'm hoping they're stopping. You know, I've been whining about how I never have enough time cos I'm teaching and I'm working, and there's school. And then, I try and make time for the girls and him, without whom I'll be a very very sad Jesh. And then, I realise. There is time. I just am a lazy fool. See, instead of err blogging endlessly, or being online just cos, or shopping so much...I could just put aside 2 hours a day to revise. But no, I don't. Instead I whine.

It's gonna be a difficult month ahead, and whichever way it ends up, it doesn't hurt to be well, a little bit more diligent. If anything, it's woken me up and I realise I can't be a kid anymore. I cannot procrastinate. I may say 'later' but some things just don't wait. So hopefully, this Sunday I actually get some work done. I have to anyway, HMT stuff is due. Alicia baby, if you're reading this, I'm on it, I promise.

Anyway, although, yeah I know I'm one to talk, I don't get why a girl (or a guy, but I'm gonna say girl cos I'm female and it's more relevant here la) would hit on a guy who's attached. Yeah, okay, hold your tongues before you pounce on me. I mean, for those of you who knew about my situation back then, it's different I swear, and I'll explain why.

If it's some star-crossed situation (as it was for me....excuses excuses, I know) then it's semi-forgivable. Actually no, it isn't. Or if there's this undeniable love, then fine. Or some tragic heart-wrenching tale behind the absurdity, then okay. If you explain it to me, I'll be cool.

Actually no, if it's my man, then paws off, thank you very much.

But noooo. Missy won't explain, but she'll express her undying love, or whatever. I think it's stupid, and until I'm given reason to think otherwise, I'm gonna continue thinking this way.

I'm not hopping mad, but if she gives me reason to be, then well, we'll see. Right now, I just have very violent tendencies, but they'll go. Maybe.

Roar.

Hmm

Haven't blogged in awhile. Haven't had the time or the inspiration. Actually I've just been very lazy. Lotsa things have happened. As they always do. I'm always surprised with the amount of drama that comes to me. But that's another tale.

I've come to realise that what goes around, comes around. In more ways than one. And although it's scary, in certain cases it's comforting. But life isn't about just deserts. It's just about deserts. (heh!) Speaking of which, and I've been going on about this lately - rainbow paddle pop comes in a tub now.

Bliss.

Anyway, wednesday night was another clubbing day and those are gonna stop mighty soon because we're all busy bees and can't really afford the time. I barely can, and I know it. Besides the exams are gonna be visiting soon. Urgh. And, as usual, I had a fairly lazy thursday. But I went to see his friend's baby and it's the cutest wee thing la. It had the biggest eyes and the nicest name. So yum. I like. If not for certain factors, I'd totally be matchmaking him and Rheya la. He's really so delish. Can't wait to see him again, but maybe when he gets a bit bigger cos he's so itsy and fragile now.

Can I please add a lil note here now? I miss rheyafattalicious.

Saturday was interesting too. I had work and it was a really good day at work, and I met metro after that cos I had to collect my SIM card which freaked on me for no reason. And then we went to Cornerstone which he loves. I never understood why, until I went there too. He wanted to get a bottle of vodka but I knew I'd be on the floor if I was in the presence of a bottle and only one other person. I do not drink like a fish, sadly. So, we got a bottle of, yum yum yum yum, baileys. And that is heaven in a bottle I swear. I would have died on the spot if they had baileys caramel but they only had the original. But oh yum. Did you know that its' alcohol content is 17%? Like quite high no? But so yum. Okay, I can't stop saying that. It was O bar after that. It was a good night and evening, esp since I hadn't seen metro for a while. I thought O bar's music wasn't all that great, and for once, I didn't see anyone I knew la. Heh.

Okay oh and, on Friday, I woke up in the morning nad we both really just wanted to stay in bed cos I was sooooo sleepy but had to go la. So I got out and then I had a little surprise. How yum!!!!!!!! :) Project meetings then, and I met Kammy after that. Much needed, really.

We're both always talking about how freakishly similar we are when it comes to many many things. Planned to head home 8ish buttt we eventually only left around 11pm. All good though. Now, I can't wait cos I think I'm gonna see the rest soon.

You know, I was just looking through blogger and I have so many drafts - unpublished. I'm probably gonna work on those next and get em out here.

Dinner

Dinner last night, was a blast. It's always a laugh when we meet Fi cos somehow she's damn blur or damn funny in her own way. Ages since I saw her. It was quite funny cos I could see she was trying very very hard not to nag. We had a long, rather awkward talk, I guess. It was only awkward cos I think she thought I wasn't understanding what she was saying (and I was) and I thought the same. However, I know she wants the best for me, and no matter what you say Fifi, I'll love you to the moon and back, and you don't have to worry cos I won't hide anything from you la, nothing has changed. You're still my favourite cousin, and when we're old and grey, I'm still gonna move in with you and sing cool songs into your ears. I know you wantttttt thaaaaat. Kaart can join us too, since she's already started doing that.

Anyway, Fi says I don't mention her enough in my blog, so here goes:- I'm gonna tell you about the strange things she does that makes Fi, Fi.

Okay, so anyway, we were standing in front of some shop in Chomp Chomp, and it was called 'Ah Hock Fried Noodles'. Fi decides to tell us that, that is a sentence. As in, Ah Hock fried noodles. Okay, darn, not funny here, but you really should've been there. Kaart and I were looking for an emergency exit.

But of course Kaart's no better. Fi points to a sign that says you can ask for more vegetables and scolds Kaartsy for not asking. Kaart tells Fi, that there were no vegetables in her food so it doesn't count, cos you gotta have some vegetables in order to ask for more.

And then they start arguing about that, while I slowly inch away and pretend not to know them.

Freaks, but you wouldn't believe how much I love them. =)

Want to.

I really want (and my wants immediately turn into needs...ha!) to:-

- watch a scary movie.

- go to the body shop and get the essentials and I'm always forgetting.

- meet melvin for tea/supper since i'm forever cancelling. really wanna talk to him anyway.

- do some much needed vintage-ing with the ladies. it's been too long.

- meet my darlingest ones, kaart and fi, and yay, that's tonight!!!

- pay the bills, and that'll be done after this post, so okay.

- get some studying done, that's probable late tonight or tomorrow morning.

- talk to wing, and that's, i guess more or less done, so not so bad I guess.

- email my uncle for the books I need.

- to get my beloved black-gold phone, but I seem to have no time to visit that darn shop.(but carol, i love you deep deep still)

- catch up with mikey and metro. been ages.

- do my bloody eyebrows. Hopefully wed, though I seriously doubt it. Unless....

- have another glass of bailey's caramel. oh yum.

- buy red heels.

- buy gold heels since I happily lost my last pair. and they were new. dammit.

- visit the nieces who sadly only have a faint recollection of me. Last saw 'em when I was 13.

- call Nisha from JC and arrange to meet. I miss her so much it hurts.

- pray.

- have my fishball noodles, and my soup which shawn forever makes fun of.

- have that talk just so I can get it over and done with.

- okay, now I'm tired so bye bye.

Sigh.

I would like to ask, when it got so difficult, but when the time frame is minute, it seems a lil silly. So, I guess the question to ask would be, why.

Don't have to walk a mile in my shoes. Step in em, that might just be sufficient.

The world isn't a battlefield. Even if it is, as it always is with wars, when you emerge winner, there's so much you lose as well.

Sink Sink

Friday night was O bar again. And I guess, it started off well, with Nisha and me meeting, like in the old days. Those, I miss. Most fun. Ages since I'd hung out with her and poor girl was sick. Yesterday, Nish and me were major un-party animals la. I didn't drink at all, she was sick, and most of the time, we were in some corner holding hands, looking a bit lost. Heh. Anyway, it was Kammy's bday and I hope she had tonnes of fun. Happy Birthday again, sweetstuff. It was Chillies after, and I really didn't wanna go but I did anyway, since the birthday girl wanted to go. Saw lotsa junior IJ-ians which was interesting and Adam, whom I hadn't seen since I left secondary school. Oh plus, at the O, I got to see Hornan whom I'm forever missing.

So since, I wasn't drinking and I wasn't dancing (okay, maybe a bit).....I guess I've been thinking...(as I sadly always do...)

and here's what err was crossing my mind....

In the cab, a friend and I were discussing why guys (and I don't mean to generalise but generally this is typical of guys....) just cannot tell the truth. I don't mean with cheating and all that. That's a whole-nuther discussion. I mean, it's as if they can't be honest with their feelings. Okay, maybe a lil credit here - usually they can't when they have to say something ugly or mean, or tear-inducing. They just don't.

You then get the non-calls and non-smses, some bogus story or worst of em all, you get led on for the longest time thinking, and hoping things get better and well, they just don't.

Which then brings along more yuckyuckness. If you are led on, then being the intelligent woman, or what-the-hell having even average smarts, if you use your head, and only your head (skip the heart please), and look at the situation for what it is, 9 outta 10 times, you'd cut your losses and leave the sorry fella. You know why, cos most cases are crystal clear. The only dumbass who doesn't see it, is you.

And then, you know why you don't see it? Well, refer to earlier post about trust. But that aside, it's because the jackass guy feeds you sorry tales of puppy-eyed apologies, or holds your hands and says he loves you but (there's always a but, sweety), or has the perfect cannot-go-wrong justifications for his freakass inadequesies.

And because he makes your heart skip a beat, and you love how he holds you, and you miss talking to him and making him smile, you wave aside good rationale and go along with the lie. His lie.

You know what makes all this suck so much? Most times, the girl can actually come out unscathed, if the guy just respected she had half a brain and the strength of more than a feather, cos surprise surprise, most of us can, and would like to handle the truth. When you're made to believe, made to try-and-understand, made to ignore that nagging voice of reason because he gives you that magical gleaming smile from that pedestral you put him on........

Then when you fall, believe me you fall bloody hard.


And before I end let me ask you, who is dumber?

The woman, who having had her heart on her sleeve since forever, but tossed around by painful hits time and time again, decides to then hold back, not trust, not give her all, live the moment, not wait for calls, not hope. Just be. Well, this is tough too, cos if you meet the rare guy, who is upfront and honest, then you wouldn't be giving youselves a fair chance. And you could lose something amazing.

OR

The woman, who tells herself repeatedly how strong she is, tries to keep to a decided set of things to believe in or trust (or not trust) but thinks about the guy who doesn't call, places her phone by her ear as she sleeps, (or doesn't sleep dammit) puts her ringtone at its highest, wonders about him. Gets angry for the non-contact and then, misses him so much, she starts worrying about him and scolds herself for being unfair and scolding the poor dear who could oh, be so tired or sick. Poor baby, yes? (gag gag) She makes excuses for him, and when he does call (if he does....), she's so thankful, the past 12 or 14 hours or days of mental torture is immaterial.

Cos, oh, but babyboy called, yes?

Sheesh, Oh god, make me plastic.

Ha.

Ok, I just realised I've a funny story for you, from clubbing last week, and I forgot to post.

As I'm typing this, I kinda get the feeling you're not gonna think it's funny cos it's one of those, you-gotta-be-there kinda things, but I NEED to do this so here goesss:-

So last Saturday, after work, I went over to his place. Was supposed to shower and change and leave, and then he tells me his friend is over drinking, which I initially didn't believe cos of a whole host of reasons, but anyway, I go to his room and yeah okay, so the friend is there. I feel a lil stupid cos I virtually camp in the room cos of the doggy, and this guy comes to know about this. Heh. And then, I don't know what to do with myself, cos they're both happily drinking and as most of you know, I have this huge thing about how I can't drink when the sun is still up. Okay, listen, laugh later at all my little eccentricities.

So anyway, I decide to pretend to be very busy at the computer and then they both tell me how I'm very antisocial and the friend tells him to pull the plug out. At this point, I get a bit scared, put on a huge smile and try to talk. About drowning rats, no less. And then my dearest decides to disappear to shower or something, so I'm left alone wit the friend, whom at this point, is a rather drunk friend, by the way. He decides to tell me about love and life, and while he's very animated and entertaining, at certain points I really don't know how to respond. And then, my dearest comes back and tells the friend to go home, and that we'll meet him in a bit to head to the club.

Of course, we take longer, and then the friend gets dressed (he lives next door or something) and comes back to us - shirt unbuttoned, walk unsteady. And then, we leave the house, and our friend, already socks on, asks where his shoes are. So there's a hunt for his shoes, untill my dear boy realises that said drunk friend's slippers are out. So he thinks, if he wore his slippers here, his shoes won't be here whattttt.

So then, we go down, with drunk boy wearing his slippers and his socks (the japanese will be so proud)....to his place, for him to wear his shoes. 10 minutes later, he comes down, STILL wearing his j-pop fashion, asking us if we REALLY think slippers and socks aren't okay.....

**blink blink**

hello??? After a string of @*^#$#^**&&^^, he goes up and finally comes down....

thankfully,

with shoes.

Trust me, it was hilarious.

Ruff.

I think today, so far, has been my catch-up-with-friends day. Spoke to both the australian boys today after agessssssssssssss -Sluttyboo and SamPaul. Caught up with Slut after what felt like ages, and then did the usual with Sam- fought with him like mad. Miles away, and he still makes me wanna punch him. And then, he, from australia, nags at me about o-barring too much. Heh. But all's good, they're both c.o.o.l.

Okay, i need to digress for a moment now.....HOW DO YOU CUT A MANGO? I just went to the kitchen cos I wanted a drink, and let me tell you, the cranberry juice in my fridge is the yuckiest ever. Yuck yuck. So I went to the fruit basket, and decided to cut a mango, and I totally massacred it la. It looks gross now, but I really coldn't figure out how to cut it. Darn. And that was a disappointment too, by the way.

I want sugarcane juiceeeeeeeeeeee, and with any luck, I'd be having some on Sunday cos I conned Fi into coming to Gardens for dinner, and hopefully Kaart will be okay with Gardens too, but knowing my kaartsykaaa, I think she will. Hello seafood soup and sugarcane juiceeeeee.

Speaking of which, I spoke to Fi this morning too, and she sounded quite worried although I could tell she was trying not too nag. I love you fiiiiiiiiiiiii. I was updating her about stuff, and I think she's a bit amazed about how much can happen in my life in the space of a month. Actually, I am too.

Moving on, It's Kam baby's birthdayyyy!! Happy birthday my beloved delectable cupcake. I love you so, and I hope the year ahead is yummy for you. So anyway, we're all supposed to be o-barring tonight and I got a scary threatening message from Kam about how she'll be very very upset if I'm not there. Emo blackmail, you cunning thing. Heh. Anyway, so I plotted some great plan to get outa work early (I'm somehow supposed to do some faking), head to o bar and NOT drink (cos alcohol is turning me off like gila now) and head to work tomorrow morning. Sheesh.

Okay, I gotta go find clothes that'll make me look sick enough for work and cool enough for the club. Ciao.

Bummbeedoo

Ok, firstly, dear mysterious commentor, I don't know who you are, so I can't tell you where your comments have gone? I hardly publish comments (unless they're very interesting, relevant to my post or they tell me how amazing I am.) Sadly, I've not got many of those.

If you're who I think you are - the commentor who tells me to go after some guy and follow my heart or something - Dear dear one, I don't know who you're talking about and I do believe I sorta replied to that in a post. You've got me very confused indeed. But that said, thanks for reading me, and I hope you have a yum week ahead.

Moving on, today was a rather mundane and straining-on-the-heart kinda day. Semi fought with him yesterday and today. Mostly, it was because I was a retard from monkeyplanet. Partly, I guess it was because of our differing attitudes (then again, I can't expect everyone to hyperventilate the way I do) and different err many things. That said, he still rocks my socks because:

1) which other guy switches off the tv when watching soccer/rugby/somefighting men (sheesh) just cos I sulk and he knows I need to talk.

2) which other guy whips up mashed potato WITH cheese in it cos its my yummy gimme-a-hug food?

3) which other guy makes me laugh like there's no tomorrow and goes along with my extremely silly activities?

4) which other guy goes to clubs he detests with all his heart (and toes) just cos I wanna?

5) which other guy looks out for me and makes me feel a-okay?

6) which other guy comes home with me at 5am after clubbing, all tired out, yet goes to the kitchen and cooks me prawns cos I'm a hungry hippo?

7) which other guy buys me interesting breakfast after a long night out? Whle I'm still asleep in bed

8) which other guy takes everything I say seriously, and tries very hard to keep that smile on my face?

9) which other guy accomadates me all the time and makes me feel like a special princess 24/7?

10) Which other guy carries me outta bed cos I'm a lazy cow?

11) Which other guy tries to help me with my horrid school assignment only to be rudely shushed by me? (i'm horrid la)

and though there's a lot more......

12) which other guy started off being very scary and bad-news-ish (haha....) and then through his ways, ends up being madly adored by all my friends for the way he cares (about us all...)....?

that said, hey big bad accountant, I am sorry for being the mimosa I am....

moving on/.....work was fun cos this wee baby came to visit. One of my kid's baby sister. And she's a cutie. So tinyyyyy. I loveeeeeee. And I was supposed to meet Kam but we were all so tired so I guess Friday it is! Sadly, I was supposed to meet Fi, Kaart and all on Fri but I guess now I've to reschedule.

I miss them all.